It had been a lean Christmas in the Blacke household and whilst no gifts were left beneath the tree I was intrigued by the questionable meat sack draped over the mantle.

I decided to take a morning walk through the “streets” of Shadowfen, clutching my sack with both hands.

As I rummaged inside for what can only be politely described as “some foul meat” I heard footsteps behind me.

Within seconds I was de-bagged and radished before finding myself searching for the nearest bush to retain what modesty I had left.

That afternoon was a cold one, but not wholly unpleasant.

As I peered out from behind a large fern I was privy to conversations and transactions that were perhaps not meant for general observation. Of course, the one thing I was not privy to was indeed a privy and it had gotten to that point…If I had to push back my mid-morning dump any further I was in danger of coughing up excrement.

I chose a spot near a well-to-do tailor I used to purchase fine wares from back in my prime. Despite the quality of the gear he was touting I knew the guy had hygiene issues and the stench of the contents of my bowels sitting in a bush near him would probably go unnoticed.

Of course, it didn’t go unnoticed. And whilst the man roved over to take a closer look as to what was befouling his day’s business I seized the opportunity to relive the man of some of his stock. Sadly the stall seemed bereft of certain items that I needed; namely trousers and indeed a belt. I reasoned that there was little need of one without the other and so I went on my merry way, striding out into the street of Stormhold looking like last year’s reject from Tamriel’s worst dressed clown competition.

Still, at least I had my dignity. Or did I?

Mere minutes after skipping down the path I heard shouting behind me. It was the irate shop keep.

A nearby guard spun on her heels and grabbed me forthwith and without preamble.

I soiled myself there and then.

The guard demanded to see my coin purse and that I pay a fine for my crimes and to recompense the shop keep. I suppose in hindsight she didn’t mean my ball-bag; My mistake.

The next thing I knew the shop keep had stripped me of my newly acquired clothes and I was back to doing my best Lady Godiva impression.

I wish I’d been given some Socks…

~Lordt.