Lordt, The Skyrim Chronicles. “Poor Olde Titus Mede II”

Poor olde Titus Mede II.

I had learnt of his whereabouts via Amaund Motierre, the spineless goon. For some tiresome reason or another, the fellow wanted the Emperor dead. I merely replied that if the price was right, not only would I kill the Emperor (As I did his cousin Vittoria – But that’s another story), I would also perform the task wearing a gimp mask and matching leather briefs.

As it turned out, the latter was not required but the coin was good enough for me to accept the contract.

~

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, so I took my best man, Marcurio. When I say best man, I mean, only man. Stenvar, my previous companion had bought it during another adventure after proving he was indeed the buffoon we all had him down to be. Lydia I left in the kitchen still trying to make a decent broth.

On a side note, not only will I mention that Lydia is incapable of preparing a simple stew, but she insists on standing unerring close whilst trying to have a conversation. One of these days I’m sorely tempted to throw her into a deep ravine or perhaps even off the top of High Hrothgar.

I digress…

After a wet start to the campaign I reached the ship and proceeded up the anchor chain into the stern, brutalizing any guards that happened to be in my way.

I decided the only decent thing to do was to strip them naked and piled them high.

I made my way below deck with Marcurio in tow, clunking around like the Tin Man on acid. Honestly, I don’t know why I bothered trying to remain quiet.

I saw something up ahead and told Marcurio to hold fast whilst I went to investigate. A rogue sailor was moving from bunk to bunk slitting the throats of innocent guardsmen whilst they slept. I stood back and admired the spectacle wondering on how he reminded me of a young me back in the day.

I crept low and quiet behind the sailor, lifting a coin purse from each of the dead guards. Once he had finished his rounds I simply turned the knife on the man himself, catching him before he fell and then deciding to let him fall.

The sound surprised Marcurio and he bowled into the room, spilling bedpans all over the show. I decided to move on as loitering in a room slick with faeces and blood was not my idea of a good time.

The men on the next deck were wise to us and the second I moved up the stairs I received a haircut.

A short back and sides wasn’t exactly what I was going for but it’s what I got. After that Marcurio nearly burnt the ship down setting the Penitus Oculatus soldiers on fire.

After rolling the dead corpses around on the floor for a few minutes to douse the flames I warned Macrurio that any more of his shenanigans and I would be bunging up the latrine with his scrotum forthwith.

I had some success down the next corridor where I found Lieutenant Salvarus aimlessly studying an olde map. Someone should have told him it was a tea towel covered in urine.

Needless to say I slit his throat before he could raise the alarm.

Sadly, Marcurio had raised the alarm and the place filled with men at arms, including Captain Avidius himself. The captain turned out to be one hard bastard so I left him to Marcurio whilst I mopped up the lewt from Salvarus. It turned out he had the key I needed to the Emperors quarters. I say needed, but I could probably have picked it if I could have been bothered, which I couldn’t.

With everyone dead and a coin purse bulging with, well, coin, my spirits were high. Marcurio’s shit-eating grin on the other hand soured my mood and I made him knock on the door to the Emperors’ quarters. I wanted any traps that might be set off aimed at him and him only.

No response was forthcoming from the room, but a swift peek through the ‘ol keyhole afforded me a clear view of the Emperor quivering in his throne.

I considered a number of possibilities on how to approach the situation, including diplomacy. Perhaps he would offer me a bribe…

I kicked open the door and before Emperor Titus Mead II could even fully inhale to begin to speak an arrow shaft protruded from his eye socket.

Seconds later I was wearing his robes and spending his gold Solitude.

What a pleasant afternoon.

And Marcurio? My warning was duly noted and his scrotum remains stretched over the ships second deck shitter to this day.

 

~Lordt