Lordt, The Ultima Online Chronicles. “Wedding Guests”

I remember some years back I was invited to a wedding at the royal palace in NuJel’m.

I say invited, but I suppose turning up uninvited would probably be more apt.

I was flipping coins outside the bank in Britain when I caught wind of a wedding and indeed a grande banquet that was to be held to celebrate the wedlock of two unfortunate souls later on that day. Not being one to waste time I immediately devised a plan with two companions of mine to attend said wedding and leave with our bellies full of free food and ale.

To save time, a magician friend of ours agreed to open a portal near the palace for a small fee. We had decided that if we got there early we could perhaps get in some pre-drinks and really make the most of it.

As it turned out the wedding was a much bigger deal than we had anticipated and the palace was already teaming.

A pair of guards at the front doors seemed unmoving and the three of us didn’t fancy trying our luck against them.

But that wasn’t where the story ended.

Back to the drawing board we realized that at some point during proceedings the guests would be sitting down to feast, and that the food would not simply arrive by itself.

Bowling round the corner we entered a local tailor shop and purchased some cut price chefs attire.

Next on the menu was a quick trip to the local tavern to buy a couple of pies and some hot stew. We then carried this back to the palace and were welcomed in by the guards with open arms. So lame.

We were in.

What the guards didn’t realize, however is that beneath our aprons we were bristling with weaponry and a few flasks of deadly poison.

You see, at some point during the morning I had decided that as well as getting a free meal, we might as well slaughter all of the guests as well as the bride and groom at their own wedding.

Our method?

Poison.

The wedding began, vows we said and rings exchanged. How pleasant.

It was a somewhat, happy affair, and the three of us raised a glass to the coming misery.

Downstairs in the kitchens we helped the other 2 chefs prepare the meals and then bring them up to the tables. Only, when I say we helped the chefs I mean we murdered them with cloak and dagger.

Cheerily, we brought up the platters of piping hot food for the guests to admire and salivate over. We piled the food high. We also pumped it with poison.

As the final dish was served we withdrew to the kitchens and waited to hear the death rattles.

Oh I can hear it now, such a cacophony of woe. “Why? Why!? On our wedding day?”

The groom had died as I had poisoned his champagne, the bride looked on as her guests vomited blood around her.

That is to say, not everyone had been poisoned, but to allay suspicion we redressed into our finery and made our way upstairs shouting about how we had caught the perpetrators in the kitchens below red handed and had dealt with them forthwith.

During the chaos nobody thought to question us. We just looked like part of the entourage.

As the guards left their posts at the main doors to run to the kitchens we took it upon ourselves to loot as many of the half dead guests as we could until the bride called us up on it.

The remaining guests posed little threat to our steel as they were unarmed for the ceremony and we made light work of them on our way to the exit.

In a moment of pitiful compassion I decided not to butcher the bride, but she stood aghast as I removed the ring from the dead groom as a memento of the occasion. Flipping it into the air and catching it I gave her a wink and blew her a kiss.

The three of us had trouble running with our pockets stuffed with all the fine jewelry we lifted from the guests. I had even swiped a spare pair of fine boots off of olde coot. But the fact that we were slowed down didn’t matter. By the times the guards returned we were long gone.

“To my dearest Jacob, forever yours, Miranda”.

~ Lordt